Goal setting June 11, 2009

I was so close to my goal. So close. Just a little more and I’d have it already. But as the saying goes, its all too good to be true. Damn straight. It was a lie all along. Right from the start it was just empty words you said. False hope. Do you know the feeling of everything crashing down? A sinking feeling that claws at your heart, telling you everything you did was for nothing. My greatest wish handed to me on a silver platter and the next day, taken away when it was so close, a few inches beyond my grasp. It was all just a game to you, blowing hot and cold. Bringing my feelings high, soaring even. And the next thing I know, dropping it down rock bottom.

Thanks a lot Mum I hate you too.

Is there only hope left. June 3, 2009

I think its amazing the way people can just change in a split second. I mean, one moment you two are like the best of friends, the next she’s like this completely new person that you dont know at all.

Lets call this person Y. One moment she wanted to leave everything behind, yours truly is the one behind her, stopping her from doing the thing she’d regret most and keeping her back. And then a few days later, she becomes this new person you dont recognise. Hanging out with different people, not neccessarily bad but not the usual people, and then you feel like you dont recognise her anymore. You barely talk to her,it’s like she’s a whole new person. What a whole new level of weird. Its getting hard to talk and its a disappointment, cos she’s beginning to lie to you. Tsk Y, what have we done to you? Nothing to deserve you treating us like that. Friends are meant to stick together, but you left us behind for others that aren’t even close? One, we understand. But its beginning to make things awkward. We have no idea how to talk to you so I dont know.

Friends are supposed to stick together, I said. But who knows, time may change everything. Time can mould the bonds formed between friends and turn it into something unrecognisable, even disfigured that you have no idea what is going on.

I dont understand. Why.

In Pandora’s box, the legend goes that the person who opens the box lets everything out and closed it, only to save one. That is hope.

What comes first, tomorrow or the future? May 25, 2009

Prom. 2 years back this was a topic that came up, coupled with doubts about it because of the hotel location. This time around, its not so much of the hotel location, but of the actual idea of prom.

So whats prom all about.

To me, its about getting everyone together for the last time (as its always held after graduation) to take pictures, say our goodbyes and hellos to the future. But the problem arises. What if, there’s no one you wanna say goodbye to? What if, theres no one you’d miss from the school? Then there’s really no point going to prom, is there? For me, I doubt there’s anyone whose friendship would last with me as long as it will, like say, the TK people. The Blocks, in particular. Despite different schools, we’ve come this far together, now still causing havoc together and everything. But for college, they arent many people the same that Ive met. None that wld have the impression on me that our friendship would last forever. And yes, Ive had my doubts about many and there’s really very few that I can actually really trust completely right here right now. So if thats the case, then why should I go to prom with all these people that you can say, Im not close to?

So is saying yes to prom, right now, just a formality?

Second. May 18, 2009

More often than not,

Happiness is shortlived.

 

But for that one moment, everything is worth it.

(I) May 16, 2009

Ten to five, at least we’ve tried

We’re still alive, but hope has died

As they closed the door behind you.

 

Have you ever felt this sinking feeling. So desolate, that no one cares about you. I mean sure, there are people who ask you if you’re okay, but have you ever wondered if they do it out of courtesy? I mean, just ask for formalities’ sake. And, if they actually really care. And why does it feel as though the closer people are to you, the harder it is for them to see how you actually feel? When they are so close, it feels like your acting, however lousy, can easily fool them. On the contary, outsiders can see exactly how you feel, somehow. There’s a chinese saying for it (pang guan ze qing). Its becoming more and more true to me. Even if you are so close to someone, there are some things you doubt, some things you’ve just got to keep to yourself. Bottom line, be strong.

But what exactly is ‘strong’?